Okay so I’ve blogged before about how I’m starting to doubt the power music. Well maybe the whole influence isn’t about affecting what’s around you, but rather what’s inside of you. I sometimes wish that I could sing something to someone to make them feel something inside. Well:
Right now I want to sing “Don’t You Remember” by Adele because I want someone to remember all the good times me and them had. Maybe if they listened we could work something out, but then again it never works like that.
Okay so I guess this really hasn’t been my week. I think I’ve felt really close to terrible, and honestly I don’t really think that I want to talk to anyone about it besides my blog. I just feel like ranting so that’s what I’m gonna do.
Monday - So I decided that I was gonna take a chance, dress up nice, and see if that someone would finally give me chance. I guess that I’m not worth the chance because no matter how many times I try I don’t think that people would feel the same way. I’m just the person that everyone can be “friends” with, but no one is ever going to think of me as anything more. My friends tell me they love me. I mean I love my friends and all, but honestly if my friends love me then I have someone to cry to. If someone felt that way about me I wouldn’t want to cry. I would just do my best to make them happy, and also try to keep myself happy too. People are always telling me that trying to rush into a relationship isn’t a good thing. I guess they don’t understand that that’s what they think. I have a completely different outlook when it comes to things like that. It’s not about acting like a couple all lovey dovey. To me it’s like finding your best friends, but this best friend has something special. They have that connection with you, and you want to spend as much time with them as possible. Needless to say my Monday was a complete and utter fail. At some point when I went to Choir rehearsal that night I just was sick of life and I didn’t want to deal with any of it.
Tuesday - I think I went in the opposite direction that day. I just let myself not care, and I just wore jeans a t-shirt and tennis shoes. I think that was my most relaxed outfit for the week. I guess I wanted my clothes to reflect how I felt on the inside, and that was well “like shit”. I think this week might be another breaking point for me. I have lost all sense of self-confidence, and I just feel like I’m not good enough anymore. I know I shouldn’t put so much importance on something that most people would consider trivial, but it’s not trivial to me. I have had this empty space in my life. Most people don’t understand that. I mean most people are completely happy because they don’t feel anything missing, and they probably don’t feel like they have anything missing. I do though. All I can think about is how there’s this empty space in my life. That lost companion that I just can’t seem to find. I haven’t someone to care about, and someone who cared about me in a long time. I miss having that. I guess Tuesday was the day I realized it.
Wednesday - This was just all over the place to me. I mean I felt okay so I don’t really have anything much to complain about Wednesday. It was basically just another day to me. I think they all kind of just scrunched together.
Thursday - This was the day that I felt at my all time low. I was supposed to compete that night, but I just couldn’t muster up any confidence. It had left me. All my little pockets and reserves of confidence that I had saved up were dry. My spirit had deserted me at this point. I just wanted to break down and not care, but you know in high school you’re not allowed to do that. You had to put on that facade of everything is fine, please I’m not in any emotional turmoil. Part of it was because I can’t tell people what I wanted. I could only tell them how I feel. Well after school I decided that I wanted to bug my choir teacher. I just talked to him for a while telling him that I haven’t been feeling the best lately, and talking to him mad me feel better. Mr.Ruberg might possibly be one of my best teachers ever. I mean he has my sense of humor, and I think he actually cares about how I feel half the time. Well anyways talking to him made me feel slightly better than I did earlier. I went and competed and got third place, so I won fifty bucks. Pretty good I guess.
At this point in time I just feel super empty. I can’t seem to catch a break ever since well… you know (and if you don’t then you don’t need to). I mean it’s kind of sad because at one point in time I could have had someone to call mine. I said no because I didn’t want to pressure them into anything. He was willing to go there for me. He was willing to give me the chance, but I didn’t let him. -Sigh- I guess it’s for the best since he left, but I mean I really miss him sometimes. We were really close, but he… Well he had better things to have than my friendship. At this point I guess anybody would choose anyone over me. I’m not really worth it. I miss him though. I guess I’m trying to find someone to replace him, but honestly I still feel like there’s no one who could do that. I guess I shouldn’t really be feeling like this, but I’m tired of feeling empty. There are 3 people I wish would read this, but they probably won’t because 1) Definitely doesn’t give a shit about me. 2) Probably doesn’t give a shit about me. 3) Doesn’t have a facebook/tumblr and most likely wouldn’t give a shit about me either. I really don’t want to make them look bad, or make them feel bad. I just need some expression, and that’s what I’m gonna do.
Can someone please explain to me what’s the first thing that goes on in someone’s head when someone tells you they like you? I’m pretty sure it’s, “O ok” And we move on with life. I just wish that when I let someone know that I have feelings for them that at least once they would consider feeling the same way, but you know life never gets to work that way. No, it has to be hard. No matter who it is, no matter how nice it’s never like that. God I was really only going to sit here for a while, but I guess I want to keep ranting. I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied till I tell two of them that they were basically just an option to fill that empty void, and one of them that they left an empty void. That asshole…. Sigh :/
I haven’t been in the best health lately. I’ve been feeling really tired, like out of the normal tired, and I’m starting to get sick. Maybe it’s being surrounded by sick people, but I think that my body has been reacting to my emotions. You know you can only be rejected so many times before you just lose it all. I’ve been feeling really depressed lately, and really it’s not anybody’s fault but mine. I’m letting people make me feel this way, and even when they try to be nice and let me down easy it doesn’t help me. I just wish that someone would finally return the feelings. Someone. But that still hasn’t happened yet. As of lately I have lost all self-confidence, and I keep thinking that I was never good enough. I still feel that way. I don’t feel like that if I did anything that it would matter. I’m not good enough to achieve success. All these stupid feelings all stem from the fact that I always feel so utterly alone. I know I have friends, but gawsh I have plenty of time with my friends. None of them will ever be able to have that connection though. Not with me anyways. I wish that somehow I could get a knight in shining armor. :( Just someone who could make me feel not so alone. If only that horse came with a GPS so they could find me faster.
And this one kid on tv just kept reminding me of why I’m just pissy. I’m just ignoring my feelings acting like I’m ok. :( I mean my karate kids tried to make me feel better, and one kept hugging me >.< I love my kids :) But honestly I am so tired of putting in the effort. Will someone please just like me back? :(
Okay so today has not been the best day to me. Work was awesome so that was okay. School not so much. Can somebody please explain to me how the whole wanting a relationship thing work? I mean all I ever do is want. There’s never someone to return the feeling. Horoscopes don’t tell you anything. Palm readers don’t help. The universe won’t give me any signs. God seems to be silent to me. All the signs I’m looking for are empty. :( Help me?
I want to quit choir. I mean I was in an ok mood when I walked in. Then it was just random ass shit about a tatoo. Then I walked out to get water I didn’t want to listen. Sat through rehearsal jokes were flying every so often. Not really pissing me off. Just kept thinking of all the things I COULD be doing. AP Physics looks REALLY good right now.